New Study Finds Veganism Worse Than Cancer

As a direct result of a recent study done by Jake Shapiro at that reach school you got deferred from, veganism has been officially declared a code level red epidemic by the UN. US ambassador to the UN Nikki Haley stated in an exclusive interview with a member of our Myanmar-child staff, “I cannot simply stand by as our poor children are infected with this sickening disease. Honestly what the fuck is wrong with these twerps who see a cheeseburger and don’t think ‘damn I want that in my mouth right now.’ On a scale from a common cold to meningitis, veganism is like AIDS: it’s off the fucking scale.” The Water Bucket sent some of our executive writers to Myanmar and capture a real-life vegan from one of our concentration camps (US laws made this nearly impossible to do back home). After securing the outcasted vegan from our concentration camp, we took it back to the US for testing and interrogation.

Rough sketch of the Myanmarese vegan we captured

The vegan failed to give us much insight into the terrible illness it has fallen sick to, it just kept asking for Reese’s Pieces and saying “ET phone home” which apparently is a really odd side effect veganism. Until we can find out how to stop this cancer from spreading across the globe, the world waits in suspense as veganism (also known as virginity) kills our babies and promising high school libtards.