Recent Studies Show Bongs Increase Brain Cells

In recent times, marijuana usage in America has become increasingly less of a taboo subject, with more and more states legalizing the plant for medical and even recreational uses. As a country we have come a long way; from criminalizing and fighting against the production and importation of marijuana from Latin American countries, to using the production and sale of marijuana as an economic asset in many states. Although there is still a very strong stigma against marijuana and its users, more and more scientific research is being conducted that is unveiling the medical benefits of marijuana usage. Thanks to new research conducted by Johns Hopkins professor Dr. William Schmale (pronounced shma-lee), inhaling marijuana smoke out of a cylindrical filtration device (known as a “bong” by marijuana enthusiasts) has been proven to be beneficial to brain function, in some cases even doubling the coronal brain mass in some patients, specifically affecting the occipital lobe and parietal lobe. There has been much groundbreaking research on this subject, but this new study will change the way we look at Marijuana, and even the way we smoke it.

The study was conducted over the course of two weeks at the newly renovated medical facility at Johns Hopkins. Patients were divided into randomized treatment groups, with one group inhaling marijuana out of the cylindrical filtration device, and the other inhaling marijuana through a tobacco wrapped device known as a “blunt” or an “L” in some circles. After absorbing the thc from the combustion of marijuana plant, the patient’s brain activity was measured using a CT scan. The results of the experiment were astounding, the “bong” smoker’s brain scans revealed a heightened functioning of several parts of the brain, while the “blunt” smokers experienced no significant change in brain function. The results of the CT scan showed a stimulation of several critical regions of the brain, with some parts of the brain even transmuting themselves to a state of hypersonic plasma, a process that allows the person to read at twice their usual reading speed, and perform difficult computations in their head. The patients were asked to comment, to confirm patient-recognition of the effects the “fat bong rip.” Patient 034 was quoted with saying, “I FUCKING TRAVELED TO MARS AND BACK, AND PERFORMED A HEART TRANSPLANT ON MYSELF WHILE MAINTAINING A FULL ERECTION.” Needless to say, patient 034 was fully aware of his increased capabilities. This research is astounding, but is nothing compared to subsequent research that correlate “deep, lung busting bong rips” to increased performance in school.

A recent survey was conducted by research scientists in Glenbrook North High School, to study the correlation between “bong rips” and test scores. At Glenbrook North, an anonymous survey asked students to report their school performance, as well as their frequency of “getting blasted out of their minds.” The results show that Students that “Pass the bong” before taking their tests, or just “Get a little buzzed” before a big project do up to 20% better than their non-stoned peers. A separate questionnaire asked students about their participation in the national holiday of 4/20 and their performance on AP tests the following week. These results were astounding with students getting “figgity-fucked” and “Plastered” to celebrate 4/20 scored an average of a 5 on their AP tests, while the non-baked students scored much lower. These new studies are paving the way for a reevaluation of how we teach our kids. Rather than forcing your kid to study for his next test, why not let him borrow your bong, and just let it fucking rip for about 20 minutes. Once we start accepting that an eye-watering, laugh-inducing bong sesh is the best way for our students to performing well in school. Using these revolutionary techniques, we can become a world educational power. All we need to do is have “high” standards.