Thank You For Smoking
JUULs—you see them in the parking lot, the bathroom, and even in class—but is there something more sinister going on beneath the surface? Something deeper than thousands of vulnerable adolescents becoming addicted to nicotine? There is, and I’m here to speak the truth about JUULs. What is that truth? Russians. You heard me: Russians. Is it a coincidence that the American public chose a mentally unstable reality TV star to be president the same year when JUUL usage spiked? I think not. In fact, Russian JUUL pod manufacturing effects have persisted far beyond Donald Trump. But first, let’s lay down the facts.
On the JUUL website, the Russian-backed puppet company says that “JUUL products are designed in San Francisco and manufactured domestically and internationally.” Key word: internationally. Perhaps the batteries are manufactured in the good old USA, but the pods are undoubtedly manufactured in either Russia or a Russian satellite state. So, what is Russia putting in pods? Well, the chemical goes far beyond the tendency to elect fucking morons to the highest office in our country. Oh, it goes farther than you’d ever imagine. This chemical, which clearly has not yet been discovered by American scientists, somehow creates a vivid feeling of entitlement among its users. Think about it. When else other than now has every American felt entitled to literally always being right. People get offended when you disagree with them. That’s sad. But it’s not our fault. It’s the Russians.
And we can do something to stop them: stop vaping JUULs. However, this leads to a new dilemma. How can Americans, if they stop using JUULs, continue to ingest our dear old friend nicotine? The answer is simple: homegrown cigarettes. Yes, domestically manufactured tobacco is the best way to fuel our sweet nicotine addiction while improving the domestic economy and stopping Russian imperialism in its tracks. Teenage tobacco usage has dropped to single digits. With determination and bravery, we can get that number back up to thirty percent. Even if you don’t vape JUULs, you should start smoking cigarettes (preferably Marlboros). After all, setting a good example is key to a movement like this. So what do you say? Stop the Russians and help the nice American tobacco farmers in North Carolina. Thank you for being a good American. Thank you for smoking.
Paid for by Philip Morris International